God, it's been so long since I've written in this thing. I miss everyone so much =(. Lets see...where shall I begin....

I met this amazing guy, actually I've known him for awhile it just never occured to me how much I really liked him until almost 2 months ago. I met him on this online RPG (role playing game) that I've played for about 2 years now. He's been a really good friend and I've helped him out with his gfs and such that he's had on the game (he's never had a REAL gf...that is until me) and he's always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to about anything. He's a little bit of a nerd but who isn't that plays RPGs. lol. His name is Jarod, he's 28 (yea I know an 8 yr age difference from me) and lives in Washington (2 states north from me). I absolutely adore him. My current icon describes him perfectly. He's an absolute gentleman and truth be told I think I love him. But he is scared of the feelings he is having about me since I am his first REAL gf. And honestly I'm afraid of how fast I'm falling for him too since I've only met him once in r/l. I went up to Washington to meet him and we had an amazing 2 weeks together. I met his parents and sister and they like me. XD and just between us, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him; and the way he talks to me about some stuff, I think he feels the same. He just wants to get to know me better before, i guess, commiting to his true feelings. Which is completely understandable since I am in Cali and he is in Washington. If I had the money, a job up there lined up, I would SO move up there right now! I love Washington in general and the fact that he lives there just makes it a million times better. I've never felt like this before, I mean I thought I loved my ex but, BOY WAS I WRONG! I have never felt love like this before. It makes me cry when he says that if I would find someone down here that makes me happy that he'd be ok if we broke up. I don't think he realizes that I only have eyes for him. I don't even look at guys the same way anymore. To me they are just friends/potential friends; nothing more. And I know there's nothing I could say to him that would make him understand that. -sigh- 

In other news....my parents bought their first house! We're going to move into it next weekend!!! Everyone is really excited, I guess I am...but I always hated moving so I guess that's why I'm not as excited as everyone else is. I moved a lot when I was younger and I guess in a sense this just feels like moving into another place we're renting. Maybe the fact that it's OURS hasn't sunk in fully. lol

Oo...I got a job, FINALLY! But, the people there are fucking assholes! Got my cousin fired for a fucking rumor. GRRRRRRRRRRR! So I'm planning on finding another job ASAP so that I don't have to work there anymore and deal with backstabbing people.

Uh....I think that's about all that's happened in my life recently. Nothing else really note worthy. lol. I'll add a pick of Jarod in a cut so you guys can see him.

Love ya all!
Courtney


( Pic of my baby <3 )

What attracts me to the friends I have are how they act around me and other people they know. I like it when my friends act the same around me and the people they know (or maybe a tad different if the other people are family and what not). I love it when they include me in activities they are doing, even when they're with their significant other. I hate being the third wheel and when they don't treat me as one, that just makes me love them even more (as a friend of course lol). My friends are special people to me, people I would do anything for, and I want to make sure that if I needed them that they'd do anything for me as well. I've been stabbed in the back countless times by people I believed were my bestest friends and I'm sick of it. I don't want that to happen again, so yeah I can be untrusting when it comes to my new friends, but once you prove to me that you are worthy of my trust; you have the best ally on your side. I will do anything in my power to help you when you're in trouble, I will come get you if you are in trouble and can't get someone to pick you up, I will give you an alibi if you need one, I will even lie about where you are if need be. I am the best ally or the best foe a person can have. It just depends on how you prove your worth to me. The worst thing a friend can do to me is become my best friend and then prove to me that I put my trust in them blindly. They will wish they never met me then. I can be the biggest bitch you've ever met if you cross me! I've had/have enough bullshit in my life, I don't need anymore.

Just a warning....XD
Courtz

Lol! I want to be male for about a week out of every month....y'all know what I mean. Period....the fact that males don't get that makes me envy them soooo much. I hate getting it because I just get weak, tired, depressed, moody, disgusted with my appearance, etc etc etc. I just want to not have it but still be able to have kids, ya know? But otherwise I like being a chick. We are more mature than guys, we don't sexually harrass dudes we think are hot. We tend not to be murders (though shoplifting is another story...lol) or hurt other people. We are sympathetic towards others, and we're all around peaceful people. And yes, there are some chicks who are just complete bitches and who should just be guys because they act like them. Sleeping around, cheating on significant others, lying to everyone they know, hurting people both physically and mentally, acting immature, etc etc etc. But those are rare to find, just like it's rare to find gentlemen these days.

Sigh....

Hmm...if I was going to die at the end of today, I'd probably call up everyone in my phone to tell them that I was going to die and that if they wanted to spend it with me they better get their asses over to my house and come see me. I'd call my boyfriend up and be like, "Get your ass over here now! I'm going to die at midnight and I want to spend my last day with you." (Yeah yeah, I know, how romantic. lol) I'd go bungee jumping, sky diving, have a huge ass party with a bonfire at the beach, and die watching the fire (hopefully in my beau's arms). My last day would be awesome! I'd live it to the fullest and not let anyone stop me from doing everything I've ever wanted to do (that I can do in a day at least).

I'm sure I'd be hella depressed for like the first hour or so, because come on, who wouldn't be. You just found out that you have less than 24 hours left to live. I think that would make anyone depressed, but I wouldn't wanna waste my last 24 hours dwelling on the fact that I'm going to die, I'd want to waste those last hours living it to the fullest. Being able to skid into St. Peter at the gates of Heaven and being like "That was one hell of a ride!" and not caring whether I get into Heaven or Hell because I had an awesome life on Earth. That's how I would spend my last 24 hours of my life. Having a fucking party, and everyone is invited!!!

I have a ton of nicknames; Court, Courtz, Court Court, Corky, Skidoo, Gnome, Munchkin, Shorty, Youngin, etc. Court is obviously a shortened version of Courtney, Courtz is a name Cassandra gave me because she did...I don't think she really has a reason lol, Court Court is a name a friend gave me in school because she accidentally called me that and we laughed so it's like an inside joke, Corky is a name my grandfather calls me because my little cousins usually can't say Courtney so they end up calling me Corky. Skidoo is a name my dad calls me...he's called me it ever since I was little so I have no idea how I got that nickname. Gnome, Munchkin, Shorty, and the other various 'short' nicknames are because I'm short...I'm 4'11" and so my friends all call me 'short' names because of that. I used to get offended by them, now I'm just used to them and really don't care. Youngin I got from my friend Cole because I was (and still am) the youngest person in our group of friends. Everyone else is 2-4 years older than me, so I'm the 'youngin' in the group; thus why he calls me that.


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REG. POST

Ok, so we found out what Athenea is having (in case you didn't know, she's prego)....she's having a baby boy!!!! Name is most likely going to be Aiden Michael and he's due at the end of October. Maybe he'll be a lil' goblin (born on Halloween); Athenea would love that (after delivery) because Halloween is her favorite holiday! I'm just so excited! I wanted her to have a little girl because I wanted to buy all the cute girl clothes for her but I'm excited either way. He's going to be spoiled rotten! and yet still be raised a gentleman because both Athenea and I won't have it any other way. lol.

Then to add to the good news...this may seem pety to some of you not in touch with your inner child...I won two jack-pots at Chuck E Cheese (a kid play place with games and play structures) today when I was out with my cousin, her two kids, her friend, and her friend's kid. I won 24 tickets on the first jack-pot and 300 on the second! I couldn't believe it when I won the 300 one. I'm usually not that lucky when it comes to things like that. I have no idea what made this my lucky day, but I'm just glad it did. Though those tickets won't do anything to help my life any but still. lol.

Maybe Aiden will be my lucky charm when he's born. Hmmm.... I guess we'll have to wait and see.

My best friend Athenea is having a major crisis in her life right now. I'm not sure what's up but I've been reading her LJ posts and it seems like she's gone off the deep end. I'm really scared for her right now. I have to work today but if she's still in Cali (she moved up to Oregon already) I think I'm going to ditch work and go talk to her. She sounds like she could really use a friend right now. I hope she gets back to me in time. I really wanna help her, if she lets me. I'll even take BART (it's like the subway for those of you not familiar with what BART is) out to wherever she is. But she has to get back to me first. God I miss her and I also am really worried about her. She needs to talk to someone that will listen to her. And she really has no one like that in Oregon or here besides me. I had no idea she needed me that badly. God why don't I go on here more often!!! I feel like I've abandoned her when she desperately needs my help, or at least my ear. If she doesn't text me back by 9:45 I'm going to call her. I need to know what's up, or at least know if she wants me to come out there. Because I will, I know she needs me, even if she says she's "fine".


DAMNIT ATHENEA!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU NEEDED ME!!!!!!! I WOULD'VE BEEN THERE IN A FLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Court



EDIT:
Damn! She's on her way back to Oregon! I really wanted to see her today. I wish I could go to Oregon right now with her so that she has a friend with her, for at least a week. But I can't. I just started working at my job and I can't call in and be like, "Yeah, I'm going out of the state for a week. I'll be back next Monday." Because they are so going to keep me while I'm away. Ugh, I wish she wouldn't leave yet. I wish she would just stay longer. But my wishes never come true, NEVER! Gah I'm just so aggravated with my life right now!!!

Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.

Post anonymously. Speak honestly. Post as many times as you like.

Three Life Changing Experiences:
     1) My sister's birth
     2) Meeting Amber
     3) Most recent friend betrayal

[1]
Well obviously my sister being born was a life-changing experience since I went from being an only child to being the eldest. I always wanted a sibling (mainly because my cousin would call me spoiled since I was an only child even though I wasn't...lol) and once I found out that my mother was prego I was hella excited. When my mom's water broke (she had actually scheduled a c-section for 2 weeks later) I was all excited that my little sister/brother was finally here; that was until I learned that I wasn't going to be allowed to come to the hospital with my mom and dad. I was hella pissed when I learned that, imagine - a 9 year old pissed at 2 or 3am because she couldn't go to the hospital with her parents to see her new sibling. It was hilarious; but they dropped me off at my aunt's house on the way to the hospital and I stayed up and pouted the entire morning until I was able to go to the hospital to see my new baby sister/brother. I got even more pissed when I found out that I wasn't the first person to see her (besides my parents); my grandparents were actually the first people to see her. But once I saw her, I must say I was amazed! She was tiny!!! I mean a preemie diaper didn't even fit her because it was too big! They had to use a face mask to cover her because she was so tiny! But she was beautiful, and I loved her. It took me like 2-3 months before I felt comfortable to hold her, and that was just sitting down. I was always afraid that I would drop her, so I didn't want to hold her just in case I did drop her. But when I finally did hold her, and felt comfortable holding her, I never let my parents take her out of my arms. I loved her, and I still do; no matter how much she annoys the living day lights out of me!

[2]
Usually a person doesn't really change me or makes a life-changing experience in my life; but Amber did and still does today. I met her my freshman year in high school. We were in a modified P.E. class together and she instantly took me under her wing. She later told me that I reminded her of herself at a younger age; very naive and innocent and she wanted to protect that and also teach me things that I had never learned and probably would have never learned if I hadn't met her. She taught me about how people can manipulate you to do what they want, how I don't have to please everyone, and how what I'm doing is terrific as long as I am proud of the work I put into it. She taught me how to put my all into the work I did, whether I liked what I was doing or not. She always looked out for me and was always there for me when I needed her. She forgave me when I did something wrong that I thought she would never forgive me for, she treated me like an equal and not just another person. I've never met another person like her, at least not one who didn't end up just using me in the end. She is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. I know my life would be completely boring and sheltered if I had never met her - that's for sure!

[3]
I thought I had learned from my past friend betrayals. The countless times I've been used by people I thought were my best friends only to find out that they were just using me or had alternative motives for being my "friend". I became very cautious about who I trusted and who I surrounded myself with. I thought I had found a good, no great friend in Staci - only to find out a week ago that she was only using me. That she wasn't a real friend, that she told my secrets to people I didn't know, that everything she told me was a lie. I was shocked, I didn't want to believe it was true; and at first I didn't. I believed her when she told me what I heard was a lie, I believed her. But then she betrayed herself, she confirmed something that I had heard from a third party. Something I hadn't confronted her about, something she wasn't able to cover up with one of her lies. She used me for rides, for money, and for a cover when she needed to sneak out. She talked to me, but never listened; even when she said she would. I can't believe I didn't see it, maybe I just didn't want to see it since I had shut out most everyone from my life except for her. Luckily Amber came back into my life or I would be friendless or worse - still listening and believing her lies. But Staci has taught me a valuable lesson, that my defenses aren't as strong as I thought they were and that manipulative people can still bypass them. That I need to learn to differentiate between the fakers/users and the true friends. Because I deserve to have true friends since I have always been a true friend to all my friends, even those I believed were friends.
 

I would have to say that it's either trusting people too much or forgiving them too easily when they back stab me. I've often been called naive and too trusting. I don't know how many times it has screwed me over in the end, but I do know that it's hard to trust people now. And when I finally do start trusting someone, I usually will get screwed over in the end; which was proven by Bailina most recently. Something I've actually learned from being screwed over many many times, is not to forgive those that have broken my trust. Or to forgive them, but not take them back as a friend or something more.
I've talked about this "problem" before with other people, they tell me not to give up, that someone will prove to me that they are trustworthy. But so far, I've only found one friend that's trustworthy. One friend that hasn't screwed me over, even when I screwed her over (we've moved past that and don't speak about it anymore...even though I constantly feel guilty about it). I haven't meet a guy that I've dated that hasn't screwed me over in the end or broke my trust. Which is one of the reasons, I think, that I am tired of relationships/dating/love because it always screws me over.

Prolly another one would be depression/pessimistic attitude. But I think everyone has that problem around my age.


~ Court

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to.

1) The Last Night - Skillet
2) I'm Not Jesus - Apocalyptica ft. Corey Taylor
3) Made Of Scars - Stonesour
4) Alcohaulin' Ass - HELLYEAH
5) Self Inflicted - Smile Empty Soul
6) Lip Gloss And Black - Atreyu
7) Seize The Day - A7X

don't feel like tagging anyone else so do it if u feel like it or just enjoy my choices =)

“Evil Angel”
by: Breaking Benjamin

Hold it together
Birds of a feather
Nothing but lies and crooked wings
I have the answer
Spreading the cancer
You are the faith inside me
No
Don't
Leave me to die here
Help me survive here
Alone
I don't remember
Remember

Put me to sleep evil angel
Open your wings evil angel

I'm a believer
Nothing could be worse
All these imaginary friends
Hiding betrayal
Driving the nail
Hoping to find a savior
No
Don't
Leave me to die here
Help me survive here
Alone
Don't surrender
Surrender

Put me to sleep evil angel
Open your wings evil angel
Fly over me evil angel
Why can't I breathe?
Evil angel (2x)


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"Everybody’s Fool"
by: Evanescence

Perfect by nature
Icons of self-indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame, don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look, here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh, how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide
Can't find yourself, lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

It never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool

-List ten fictional characters you wouldn't kick out of bed (in no particular order):

1. John Amsterdam (Amsterdam)
2. Dr. Gregory House (House)
3. Sam Oliver (Reaper)
4. Jessica Rabbit
5. Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
6. Remus Lupin (Harry Potter)
7. Juandissimo Magnifico (Fairly Odd Parents)
8. Jane Smith (Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
9. Captain Jack Harkness (Torchwood)
10. Cael Malloy (The Riches)